As for the general format of the chapter: it's way too long. You cut us off at the 2/3 mark, and it was still too long. 抖阴社区 readers prefer 1000-2000 word chapters. You can adjust it by tightening up some of your description in the beginning and eliminating redundancies. Also, you probably want to break the chapter into three segments, especially if you add in a conversation between Aubrey and Cael.
Additionally, some of your paragraphs are extremely long. I would try to keep them below 100 words.
GRAMMAR AND PHRASING SUGGESTIONS:
I appreciate how much work you have put into this story. I can tell that you have already edited the piece many times before. I found very few grammar corrections. Most of the improvements will be aimed at tightening up the prose and removing adverbs. (my besetting sin, too) Another common issue I found was not putting a comma after introductory words, phrases, and clauses. I recommend passing your chapters through Grammarly.com. The website will mark those missing commas for you.
Also, I recommend reading this article and considering changing your most of your dialogue tags to "said" or "asked" only as well as some other tips for writing dialogue:
However, I found a few things to be confusing. Below are line edit and copy edit suggestions to help you with the editing process. They are all suggestions, so please make your own decisions on whether to use or ignore them. I won't be offended.
This section is a bit dry, so it may seem strong in nature. I'm a former teacher, and I never attack the student. The editing pen is for the words, not the student. The goal is always to improve and edify, not cut down.
I will refer to paragraphs by the first three words. Example:
*Paragraph that begins "The bright afternoon":
-I will provide the sentence or portion as it was written, follow it with a >,
-and then how it should appear.
[Rules, if necessary will be typed within in brackets below the correction. I may also make comments in brackets]
Italics will be noted with underscores: _word_
__________
*Paragraph that begins "The phone buzzed":
-Cael Hull glanced at it and groaned. >
*Paragraph that begins "Cael ignored the":
GRAMMAR AND PHRASING SUGGESTIONS (CONT.)
-Cael ignored the buzzing and concentrated on his reflection on the café's glass pane. >
YOU ARE READING
Next Big Recognition Contest
RandomThis is a contest designed to help expose your novel to the greater 抖阴社区 community. Whether you just joined 抖阴社区 or have been an active member for years, the sole purpose of this contest is to assist in the recognition of your book. NBR'S CUR...
Round 67: Happy 2017
Start from the beginning
