Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 80

Check back to see the winning review!

▼Winners▼

Winning Comment:CT: Flaws? Okay, well, honestly not seeing many flaws. They seem rather vanilla, actually. Two normal, nice teens. Maybe Colby is a little naive, and little insecure, perhaps has a history of alcoholism?but that seems unlikely--by the sound of it, she couldn't really handle her booze, so I'm not reading her as an alcoholic. Wyatt seems pretty much without major flaws--his room isn't super messy, he's protective and supportive of his ex/BF, he's angry some jerk stole her virginity. His anger propels the narrative, and adds some tension, so that works well, and Colby's emotions seem to be a big reason for his actions, so ditto.Still, not seeing may flaws here.

This tends to be a flaw in ChicLit itself--the characters can come off as either wayyy too flawed, or too perfect. I'm not familiar with your story, but keep this in mind: characters with realistic flaws spice up a narrative, and add interest to an otherwise run-of-the-mill 'Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy, The End' story. I'm, not seeing much here but a slight misunderstanding between them, and it looks like they will probably get together again--but like I said, I'm not familiar with this story, and may be missing a big chunk of info.

Q1): Honestly, I found Colby a little annoying. Her POV dragged a bit due to her dwelling on little things liek teh description of the chain, ect. Try to shorten senescence, and focus less on pontificating her feelings. Show us her angst, don't have her tell us she's angsty. You can kill the emotional impact of a scene (and this one was obviously important, so big no-no!) by over-stating thins, especially in first person POV.

When I'm sad, I don't sit there and think: Oooh I'm so sad! I just cry, and shake, and get angry, ect. I react, I act, I say things that show how I feel. Try to loosen up her POV and make it sound more natural.

Wyatt's POV was a bit more enjoyable. More humor, a little less info-dumping. It did have a masculine tone, but tended to veer off into sentences with long words and unnecessary descriptions of his own actions. There was also an issue with him describing his own voice a lot. For instance, instead of saying: I rasp--Try: My throat is dry. My voice sounds like a croak. I swallow, and try again...

Or something. It's longer, but you mentioned stream of consciousness and I think you want to avoid the characters sounding like they're narrating themselves, if you see what I mean?Also, try to loose some of the "I love her sooo much" inner monologue. Guys don't really do that much. They are very emotional, sometimes even more than women (*sigh testosterone* :-/) but not (for the most part) super good at translating their emotions into eloquent words. We know he loves her. It's okay for him to promise himself he'll be her champion, but to go on and on kills the vibe. Once again, show, don't tell. Just the fact that he's dwelling on the Trey creep shows his feelings perfectly.

On the whole though, they seem like a cute couple! I'd root for 'em ;)

Also, perhaps split their POV's into separate chapters. That way, we don't need to head-jump mid chapter, and you don't need to label the POV shift.

Q3): I didn't notice any grammar flaw per-se (I'm sure you'll get lots of advice on that from our resident  Grammar Nazis) and the only thing I noticed were unneeded long words, and some sentences that could be cut to improve flow and tighten the narrative flow. You want authentic human voices, and I think you're well on your way to achieving that! Keep the style. It works with first person POV. Just try to stay true to each character's unique voice, avoid info dumps, and use more show, less tell.

That's my contribution!

I enjoyed reading through this chapter, even if most ChickLit gives me hives. You've done a great job so far. I hope my review was some help, please let me know if you have any questions or if I was at all unclear!~Faera