Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 83

Combined Bit&Bob 3: Scene - You set powerful scenes. Now that I have ready more of your work, your style makes sense to me. It just took some time to get acclimated to the water, but now that I have, I thoroughly enjoy what you're doing. I see it clearly. In all honesty, it reads like a full-body script. It's a fleshed-out scene with some dialogue that adds to the environment. You do an awesome job of showing. Lots and lots of showing.

AND here we go!

FYI: I wrote these comments in real-time as I was experiencing them. Please ignore the fact that they are really all over the place.

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There are a lot of "then" statements with action when Luke finds Naluma. It honestly made me lose some of that frenzy when it seems like the actions are being listed off so sequentially. Here, a little emotion was lost.

Pilar Iyochozu makes my heart flutter. She's two meters? My husband is two meters. I reacted very swoony to this. <3

The miscarriage:

This scene is tragic. Since I already knew what's already happening based on your descriptions, I was preparing myself for heartbreak. I felt the rush of panic from Luke, but I think what I was missing for it to be truly panicked as much as Luke, is more description of Naluma's pain.

I know that she was unresponsive, but I felt like her pain was needed here.

Luke observes the blood, but there's so much more that happens in a miscarriage that would cause panic. I feel like he would have felt that sudden and sharp pain through their connection. It wouldn't be that he felt that something was wrong, but there would have been a shift as her world would literally break inside her.

I would have liked to see him see her pain. I'm pretty sure you did it this way because you want him to believe this could be self-inflicted. I see what the purpose was for sure, but I think by focusing on that, you've lost some of the potency of this scene. I felt not nearly as much as I expected to feel here.

Again, this is just my perception. Miscarriage is devastating. You have a great foundation, but this scene can be so much more powerful.

Miscarriage Announcement and Reaction:

This was really well done. I felt the heartbreak. This scene impacted me more than the miscarriage itself.

Han and Ben:

I LOVE how you hint that something is wrong with Ben based on Carron's observations. The dramatic irony here played really well! Especially when Han came around, I wondered if Ben was actually going to reach out to his father and he did! Triumphant parenting opportunity!

Han *facepalm* I've never been a parent, but I feel like he's not doing so well handling this situation. But it's a powerful moment. They feel clumsy together, like neither of them know how to hold this relationship the have. I like it. It adds so much dimension to their characters.

Naluma:

She wanted to be alone in her grief - Oh this is real. This is horrible and shattering.

Between the request for water and Luke's return, I feel like my emotions had to take a leap here. You have Luke disappear, but you don't have her use that time to break apart. When she's finally alone, I feel like this is a poignant time where we'd see her fall to pieces. She wanted to be alone and when she got her request fulfilled, she did nothing with it. There's so much that can be done here.

Question while reading: if she was so attached to the 9 week-old fetus (naming her and knowing her sex), why hadn't she told Luke about it?

The other realism I appreciate of this scene is her need to mourn alone. Women who experience miscarriage are often told their reactions are selfish, that they need to take the partner's feelings into consideration and let them be part of the grief. When people say this, THEY are the truly selfish ones. No one endured the same pain the mother endured. Their pain is not a gnarly knot of both corporeal and emotional anguish. There's a time and a place for coping together.