My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

I don't have any right to feel this way. Thousands of people have it worse off than me. They suffer more than me. I should be grateful for what I have, but I'm not because I'm so selfish. I hate myself. I hate myself  I HATE MYSELF!

Pause the self loathing for a second... I went to the doctors a few weeks ago and she gave me a letter to go to A&E with but I didn't go. I didn't want to go because I knew it would make me feel really down afterwards and I want to feel okay for when I went to see Mandy in university. Now I want to go, but not alone. I keep worrying that when I do go they'll just put me on anti depressants and they'll alter mood so much that I won't be myself. They'll only care about whether I'm a risk to myself and not why I'm a risk to myself. I haven't figured out an effective way to kill myself and I don't self harm because I have chronic pain which is enough pain as it is.