My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

I don't think I've experienced a day that was this up and down. Started off very hopeful before I saw the doctor this morning, a little anxious but hopeful that I was making the right decision. That feeling quickly turned to disappointment and fustration once I started talking to the doctor. She only has my medical records up to March because that's when I went into the care of the psychiatric ward, so there's no record of all the combinations of mediaction they tried me on. I used to be on the highest dose of Mirtazapine but it did nothing for me, actually starting on that was the reason I ended up in the hospital in the first place. One of the common symptoms was suicidal thoughts getting worse and mine became uncontrollable. Understandably I wasn't happy when she prescribed me the lowest dose of it and after I walked out I promptly threw it in the bin. Also it's an anti depressent and though I do have very bad depression that wasn't the reason I went to the doctors, I went because of my mood swings that I get because of my Borderline personality disorder. Anti depressants don't treat mood disorders. Stupid, stubborn, selfish doctor who obviously didn't listen to a word I said.

After that I was meant to meet up with my sister but she annoyed me further and I just didn't feel like hanging out with her. I jumped on the earliest train back home instead. While on the train my mood then changed to hopelessness and extreme suicidal thoughts. I was actually gonna go through with my plan and kill myself today. I didn't see anyway around it. No one was helping me so what was stopping me from ending it all? The answer...Nothing. That was in till as some sort of miracle timing a counselling charity for mental health that I'd rang a few days ago called me back. They wanted me to come in and see them for an introduction to their services and by some coincidence they had a cancellation that afternoon. This is why I believe in God. Just as I was gonna kill myself because no one wants to help and I get a call by someone who wants to help.

So this afternoon I went for the introduction. They told me a bit about how they go about their counselling and it sounds very similar to how the psychologist I liked in the hospital did her sessions. The introduction was meant to be a 30 minutes but because I told them I had plans to kill myself it ended up being an hour and a half with them trying to work out if I was safe to leave. I convinced them I was fine but because I'm so high risk they've put me down as priority. Basically that means I don't have to be put on the twelve week waiting list and instead they're gonna fit me in as soon as possible. I'm so happy that progress is being made. I finally have a bit of hope.