?This is a story based on true events about someone who is on their journey to recovery from mental illness. Their questioning of gender and sexuality. Going through relationships and break ups. Just an all about coming of age story of a person that...
Today is my name birthday, one year ago exactly Mandy and I signed my deedpoll that officailly and legally changed my name to Robin. Everyone asks why I changed my name and it's always something I had wanted to do. Ever since I can remember I hated the name Emily, it was too common and it's the name my Father gave me. In more recent months I realised it might have also been because it's a feminine and name and Robin is gender neutral. I really wish I could of celebrated today, but Mandy hasn't been online all day and I was working.
Talking of work today was horrible. Working while my BPD is causing me to be in that negative overwhelmed mood is the worst. I honestly hate being in this state because it just feels like I have no control and everything is exaggerated to the extreme. I wake up and everything is fine, a little tired but a normal start to the day. Then out of no where I start getting very hyper and happy, which in the most part is good but it's so extreme that I'm running around like a headless chicken and can't focus because of how agitated I am. After that I turn angry and stressed, there's so much energy in my body but this time I get annoyed at the smallest things and get so overwhelmed with stress I have to hold back tears. This obviously then leads to being sad and depressed, feeling suicidal again. Each switch is triggered by the smallest thing, it's not controllable and it's hard to function when I'm like that. I always wish that I'm emotionally numb again or at least have more rational or normal levels of emotion. I'm always so conscious of the fact that my reactions are so exaggerated and that my emotions are so obvious to other people. I always have to make things up to explain why I'm so happy or angry or sad because people can see it so clearly on my face they want to know why I'm acting so differently.
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