My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

I think this is it. I'm writing this on the bus home, on my way back from buying the equipment I needed to kill myself. I just can't do it anymore, even after all the lovely messages from my Instagram followers. I've put everyone before me my whole life, suffering so that others don't have to. I'm putting myself first this time and what I want is not to be terrified to close my eyes, not to always imagine how I'm gonna harm myself or others, not to get overwhelmed by the simplest of emotions. I don't want to be in pain, drugged up for the rest of my life or be in therapy for years, even decades just to reduce some of the symptoms of my mental illnesses. People are gonna say I was selfish and a coward for taking the easy way out, but truth be told there is no other way out for me. I don't have a future worth living or anything to live for. I have no motivation or strength left to make it till tomorrow.

I've written so many suicide letters in the past, some short and some telling everything that went wrong in my life and blaming everyone I can. I don't want my death to be remembered because of my hate or anger. I want my death to mean something. I've always wanted to help people and if my life has shown me anything it's that the system put in place for people suffering with mental health issues isn't enough. Talking to the police, paramedics, nurses and health care assistants has shown me just how frustrated people are, that more can't be done just because they don't have the money or resources. How many lives could have been saved if the government invested a bit more into helping people with mental health? I love the NHS and they've saved my life more then once, but that doesn't mean it can't be improved. People at risk shouldn't be allowed to just walk out of hospital after a suicide attempt just because they've said they aren't gonna do it again, espically if it isn't their first time. Psychiatric hospitals desperately need to be reviewed and they should be used as a last resort. It's so hard to get any help unless you are hospitalised, you either have to pay for the correct therapy or be on a waiting list so long that by the time you're at the top you either don't need it or it's too late. The correct treatment needs to be more accessible.

It's sad to think that there are so many people like me out there, in a similar situation to me that could be helped before it's too late if only they could get support without having so much resistance at every step. So many people have already lost their lives and we just ignore it. So to all the people too scared to reach out for help, who are trying to get help, to who already have help and the ones who are all recovered and getting on with their lives, you are strong and I admire you. You're all an inspiration and deserve so much more. Keep fighting and stay strong.