My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

So my counselling session yesterday went really well. The counsellor I have seems really nice and we were able to talk about a lot without going into too much detail just yet. There wasn't really much I wanted to talk about with him anyway because I was very numb. I didn't really know how to act so I just kept joking around and laughing.

As soon as I left though and travelled back to my home town things went south quickly. One step back into my parents house and they start shouting at eachother. My Step Father tells me they don't normally fight, so it must just be because I was there. Then we went out to dinner for my Mother's birthday and things continued to get worse. One of my Mother's friends told me that I'm a girl because I have all the bits of a girl and then refused to let me explain what non binary means because it's too conplicated to him... People really annoy me. Two hours of my Mother shouting, swearing and just making a massive scene every time someone touched her bad arm was just embarrassing and reminded me of every time I'd been the one she shouted at. I could barely make it to dessert without breaking down. I threw up all the food I'd eaten and then booked a taxi to meet Mandy for drinks. That was the best decision I could of ever made, talking to and just hanging out with Mandy really made me feel so much better.

Now though I'm regretting going to work tomorrow because I'm scared that in the two days I've not been there people have continued spreading rumours about me and this other girl. I'm not in any mood to deal with them. I'm so overwhelmed right now and I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can to fight the urge to self harm.

Also it's a year since I started this journal. So happy one year anniversary.