My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

I'm 20 at the end of the year, these are my last few months of being a teenager. I feel like I'm meant to have something to show for my life, but I don't even want to live. Maybe if I had someone special in my life to love and care for things would be different because at least then I'm making progress in achieving my dream of having a family. When I was 16 it seemed so easy to get married by 23 and have children by 25 but now it doesn't seem like I have a lot of time left to do that. I turn 23 in 3 and half years, that's not long enough to date, fall in love and get married. Shouldn't I have my life sorted out by now? I'm an adult, I should know what I'm doing instead of drowning in self pity. I shouldn't be dreaming of the day I wake up with enough courage to kill myself, that's not normal. No one is ever gonna love me though, or even like me. Everyone I've ever known has realised they're better off without me and not wanted to be a part of my life.

When I'm feeling lost like I am I turn to my tarot cards and scrying crystal, it's helped me work out my next steps before. Months ago I hid a bunch of razors around my room, I thought I had got rid of all of them and then I moved so everything got mixed up. However when doing a three card reading with my tarot cards, I used my tarot book to look up the meaning of the card I picked for my past and on that page was a razor I had hidden and forgotten about. Out of all the cards I could of picked I picked the one with a hidden razor, it's hard to believe that's a coincidence. Just out of curiosity, I didn't think it would actually work, I asked my scrying crystal if I would die this year and it said yes. I then carried on asking questions to determine when I would die and this is the prediction that I got: I am going to die on November 15th 2018, it's not gonna be an accident but it will end my suffering. I guess my own desires and other variables might have led to this prediction but really all I can do is wait and see. I've done this before with my nan's death and I predicted that correctly. If anything I feel relieved, I want to die and I'm not scared of death.