My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

Yesterday I came back from visiting Jack at their university. I had so much fun and I could show my arms without having to worry about what people are saying. I did relapse again though, after fifteen days. The drama with Mandy was stressing me out, so I went into the bathroom broke up one of Jack's razors and cut down my stomach. I'm going up to Mandy's university on Friday for the weekend. I really hope she doesn't bring up that boy she supposedly likes or kiss him in front of me. She probably will though.  There's nothing I can do about the fact I know she's making a mistake with him and they're better off friends. I can't push her though or she'll just try and prove me wrong. I guess she'll have to make her own mistakes. It just sucks that I won't be there for her when it all goes wrong.

I've been planning this for a few weeks now and I'm using my time before seeing Mandy to prepare. On Sunday I am going to kill myself. Today I went into every shop and brought as much paracetamol as I could. I'm gonna come off my anti depressants so that I can add them to the total of pills I have. When I've taken all the pills I'm gonna cut my wrists just to mess with my body a bit more. I'm not gonna message any one while I'm doing it because that's where I went wrong last time. If by Monday I'm still alive or I end up in hospital I'm gonna jump off a bridge as soon as I can. That should hopefully do it. I've never felt so calm and at peace as I do now and I think it's because I'm ready to die.