My Journey To Normality (Part 1)

On Friday I gave into one of my impulses. I walked out of the hospital on day leave to go to work. When I got to the bus stop I let fate decide. Depending on which bus arrived first I'd either go to my parents house and overdose or go to work and get cable ties. I went to work. It wasn't about killing myself though, I just wanted to get rid of the impulses and the vivid images in my head of me acting on them. When I did it I kept hoping someone would walk in and find me but no one did. I couldn't breathe. I tried to get one of my blades to cut it off but all I succeeded in doing was cutting my finger open trying to cut it off because my hands were numb. I pressed the alarm but it wasn't working so I started screaming for help. I was caught with the knife I had tried to use to save myself, which means I was in trouble for having contraband too. All the staff kept shouting at me for playing the system or a game but that wasn't my intention at all. I was hoping that if I acted on one of the impulses they would all go, but they're all still there. I was put on close observation straight away, which is when a member of staff is with you at all times. I got taken off close observation yesterday, which is why I'm able to write in my journal without someone watching. I'm on what they call suicide watch or intermitance, basically someone checks to see if I'm still alive every 15 minutes. I don't want to be taken off it because at the moment if they let me leave I will try and kill myself again. I just keep thinking about how horrible my life is. It doesn't help that my main psychologist is ill and isn't coming into work so I have another psychologist at the moment, I'm seeing him tomorrow.