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Comment Topic:
Flaws humanize a character.
Identify one Internal strength and one likely Internal weakness of the Protagonist.
- Internal can be defined as: An intrinsic characteristic trait, a form of inner conflict. For example, a character may seem beautiful, rich and sophisticated on the outside but on the inside (the internal conflict) she may be insecure and vulnerable.
This comment topic may require you to flip back a chapter or flip forward a chapter to properly answer it.
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Author #1: eprosper
Book Title: Exsanguination
Book Link: /story/45648242-exsanguination
Specified Chapter: Chapter 5
Summary Thus Far in Book: Sabilla "Bill" Vane led a pretty sad life until her entire family died in a car crash, leaving her free to become an orphaned cat caretaker in her great aunt's mansion. Florian Werther Bathory Byron, her unexpected house guest, is a vampire. And while he says he hasn't eaten anything with a face in half a century, his life story is tragic, his complexion is luminous (literally), and Bill is finding herself irresistibly drawn to him even as her charges begin to disappear at an alarming rate... Chapter 5 is where Florian shares his vampiric "origin story" with Bill.
Protagonist: Sabilla "Bill" Vane
Author's Note: Criticism would be really helpful, esp. pointing out places where it wasn't clear what was going on, or what characters were talking about, or where the narrative drags for you as a reader. Thank you very much for taking the time to read!
Chapter Rating: PG
Genre: Vampire
Winning Comment:
Edits first () change or add <> delete
The first sentence is a bit long winded. Might want to shorten to help readers gets into the chapter from the start. "We came (of course)" not sure you can use () in dialogue. Seems odd. "with (a) certain florid vein" "and laughed. "<Haha>. Right" redundant as you already said 'laughed'. "'natural sensitivity...' natural' world" repetitive, use synonym for one. "a sense of fellow feeling" reads oddly. Perhaps 'camaraderie' or 'kinship' instead. A few missing commas, but not a big deal. "commentary(. B)ut there was <just> something" I think it reads stronger this way. "dogs at (the) table" unless 'at table' is, in itself, a saying. "lost my nose" not sure what this means.
From Florian's description of himself 'by far the handsomest' and his banter w/ Bill about Anne Rice and a 'knock-out witch', this feels more like a comedy. Is it supposed to? Also, as I've read "Interview with a Vampire" and "The Vampire Lestat" I get these references and think that this feels very much like fan fiction as you make Florian very like Lestat. "Stop petting that..." this line made me chuckle.
You leave this at a great part which makes me question what Florian has in mind for Bill to do or 'help' him with. As for flaws, we don' get much movement from the MC. Whereas Florian shifts, gazes, holds a locket, scoots closer, etc, Bill only pushed a cat off her lap and shrugs. There's very little in terms of her thoughts. We don't really know how she 'feels' about his story. She makes snarky comments and doesn't take it seriously, but I don't really get why (may have been in the previous chapter though). -Tegen1311
Follow this Winner: Tegen1311
1st Runner Up:mokbook
2nd Runner Up:twin_cities
Final Author's Note: The most helpful thing did was quote bits and pieces of the text which were confusing, grammatically off, or just read strangely to her. 抖阴社区 isn't very user-friendly when it comes to making line-by-line edits, and I was impressed she took the time to retype and list the specific phrases in her comment, as well as explaining why they were problematic.
She also noticed that Florian is very much a paper copy of Anne Rice's Lestat (his story lacks variety as a parody - it really only references Rice's books and The Vampire Diaries, when there are many more over-the-top vampire stories which could have been used), and brought up that Bill really doesn't see a lot of description, action or development in this chapter.
Basically, her critique took the larger picture into account, but at the same time referenced specific quotes so I knew which passages to target when going back to revise. and , the two runners-up, also quoted odd phrases, and the places in the chapter where their attention flagged, or things didn't flow as well, and that really helped me look at it with a more critical eye.
Everyone's comments were helpful in one way or another, and very kind, and reading them really made my week. Thank you! I now have a concrete list of things to focus on as I revise, instead of a vague feeling that the story is not entirely on track in places but no idea where to start tinkering, and that makes the whole process a lot less intimidating. :)
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Author #2: MasterElement
Book Title: The Sword in the Shadow (Tales of the Black Knight #1)
Book Link: /story/41811821-the-sword-in-the-shadow-tales-of-the-black-knight
Specified Chapter: Three: Attempted Vehicular Monster Slaughter
Summary Thus Far in Book: After two years of fighting monstrous shadow creatures, Blake has found a place to call home, the Shadow Sanctum. Where half human half shadow monster hybrids live fighting off all threats dark or light. Then one day The maniacal sorceress Morgana Lefaye steals the Legendary Chalice of life, the source of immortality. Now he is charged with the perilous task of tracking her down, or else she shall unleash an unstoppable undead army. As he fights his way to the chalice one question remains on his mind, can he be the hero every one believes he is meant to be or will he fall short.
Protagonist: Blake
Author's Note: My biggest challenge is figuring out what words to use. How to articulate my sentences so that they are more then just saying it in plain words, I say it just how it is. I don't uses complex choices of words to paint a picture I just describe it plainly. I need help on learning ways to using more creative words even if it's through practice. So if you have any ideas on how to learn that let me know. Also story structure and progression, and Character development are big to.
Chapter Rating: PG
Genre: Fantasy
Winning Comment: This chapter was action-packed! I was impressed mostly by this world of monsters in shadows that you've created, and at how detailed it was. For example, I like how you provided different names and abilities for each of the Shadowforms, and then took the time to explain to us, your readers, what makes each Shadowform different from the other. In other words, the complexity of the world you've built is really great! Now, you mentioned in your blurb that you wanted to find new and creative ways to explain what's happening in the chapter, so I took one paragraph and tried to come up with some new words for it. This is from the paragraph that comes right after Calder shoots his arrow at the ground in front of the incoming monster: "The ground erupted in black and purple tinged ice. The ice slithered up the galloping monster's limbs. Frozen-solid, the Stridder's legs shattered mid-stride. Its limbless torso was hurtled into an alleyway where it crashed into a brick wall, exploding on impact into specks of dark light." I don't know if that helps at all, but it was fun to try! As for Blake's internal strengths and weaknesses: obviously he has some trust issues, but I guess we can't really blame him for that (being chased by big shadow monsters would probably do that to most people), yet he displays courage and a willingness to protect others regardless of whether he trusts them or not. Nicely done! - IVM992
Follow this Winner: IVM992
1st Runner Up:KaraMichelleBooks
2nd Runner Up:cjbirch
Final Author's Note: thanks for all the help, your comments will make improving my chapter and the rest of a book much easier. Some of you had some really good things to suggestion and you're right, I need to work on show vs tell.
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Author #3: wrightstory
Book Title: Someone Hiding In the Shadows
Book Link: /story/6827950-someone-hiding-in-the-shadows
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1
Summary Thus Far in Book: Athina, estranged from her family, completely alone apart from Jarod, the charismatic man she is passionately in love with. One evening Athina meets an intriguing stranger who she befriends, subsequently revealing she was previously Jarod's fiancée. As her romantic relationship becomes darker and twisted, Athina's platonic friendship with the stranger deepens, secrets crossing secrets. With each night that passes she feels she is living on a knife's edge and Athina's fears about her enigmatic fiancé increase but will they prove to be justified? Her life becoming more at risk, as events unfold in a slow rumbling suspense, that burns to a dramatic climax.
Protagonist: Athina
Author's Note:
1. Do you feel you are in Athina's shoes as the chapter progresses.
2. What does the first chapter say to you personally about Athina's situation?
3. Are you intrigued enough to want to read more of the book?
Chapter Rating: PG
Genre: Mystery/Thriller
Winning Comment: I thought this was a good beginning, I just have a couple of suggestions for structure in order to pull the reader into the story. I was a little confused by the opening with Jarod and I really don't think you need it. What I would suggest though is that you bookmark the chapter with meeting the woman. Maybe start with the woman having a seat at her table.
As I sat, nose in book, at the little cafe in Liverpool Street Station waiting for my train, a petit brunette with the palest complexion joined me-without invitation-and I gasped. I recognized her as the woman who'd followed me around the shops that afternoon.
Earlier I'd missed my first train home...
Or something like that. By introducing it that way you've given the audience a reason to keep reading right from the beginning, they'll be curious to know why this woman was following her.
Also I think we need a little more explanation of where she was going on the train and why she missed the first one. By doing this it will give you an opportunity to talk about her life a little more, where she works, where she lives etc.
As a first chapter I think you need something to happen that will introduce some character traits to the reader and allow your MC to talk about herself.
Have reasons for why she talks about herself. For instance, she sees a family shopping and gets nostalgic and mentions she hasn't seen her father in however long it's been and then maybe leave a few bread crumbs of when she last saw her father and the rest of her family and leave it at that to keep the reader guessing. There should be questions that people want answered, alluding to an estrangement with her family and withholding the reason will get people turning to the next chapter to find out why.
I think it would help to tighten up the chapter a little. You have two instances where you talk about her hair, one almost after the other, I would combine that as one part, I felt it sounded more natural when she got off the escalator. I want to get to know her a little better but almost as soon as the book starts she's talking about her relationship with Jarod. And I feel you've buried your lead. I think you should mention where she works, as she's on her way home from there maybe and then bring up the fact that she met Jarod there and begin talking about him.
I would cut down on some of the shopping and give us some more action. For instance, what's happening around her, not that she's shopping, but who else is there, are the shops busy? Is she alone, is it late afternoon? Describe a little more of her surroundings and as you do you can slip a little bit of background about who she is and where she is in her life.
Then finish the chapter as you have. I think leaving it there without telling us what the woman's story is works really well to draw readers into the next chapter.
To answer the first two questions of your author notes. I think you've made an excellent start in letting us in to Athina's world and letting us get comfortable in her shoes. I want a little more though, besides pulling back a little on her family I want some subtle details of what she thinks about certain things. Put her in situations and let the reader see what she'll do, this will give us an insight into who she is a little better. And by situations I mean, does she see a homeless man and even though she doesn't have a lot of money does she give him something? If she did what would that tell us about her? From what I can tell right now one of her internal flaws seems to be a fear of commitment, although not when it comes to clothes :). And one internal strength appears to be her strive for self-improvement.
And to answer your third question, yes I am intrigued enough to keep reading to see what happens next. Great start so far, keep it up! -
Follow this Winner: CJ Birch
1st Runner Up: JamiMontgomery
2nd Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010
Final Author's Note:When you are spotlighted, it is quite hard to deal with all the criticism of your baby, as it is the first time it has walked so many steps, in such a short space of time. I have had to take a step back and review everything everyone has said to me and consider it to see what I can take away from it all and learn.
I will either now on peoples recommendations put the third person as a prologue or take it out. If I take it out I will slip information contained within it, throughout other chapters. My dialogue needs to be better spaced and easier to read. Going onwards and for further edits I will definitely revise that. I need to put a further grammar check on my work before publishing on here. Maybe adding the odd piece of atmospheric chills etc, could add to the tension and make it more suspense like and less romantic, although that will change later in the book. Some people don't like the vividness of the details..well that really is just my style and I think that is what makes me different but I will have a professional consult in due course. Thank you for your comments, most were very helpful and encouraging.