NBR Announcement: NBR will be taking a ONE week break NEXT week: Fri, March 25 - Fri, April 1
Do round 32 THIS week.
After the break, you can expect some news worthy changes to help grow and expand the contest toward the future! This one week break will allow members to recharge, relax and unwind :) But if you're looking for something to do, here is a small list:
1) Read, meet, and greet staff directly from 抖阴社区 Headquarters through the Partyparrot @抖阴社区AThon profile. Read and comment (because each of you are super star reviewers) nearly 60 stories written directly by the staff members at 抖阴社区. This is a great opportunity to NETWORK, and build bridges so that HQ can get to know you. (Ah, how resourceful, Dawn. Perk of an Ambassador :) Be nice and mention you're from NBR :)
2) Consider entering a teaching contest: http://blog.skillshare.com/wattpad-x-skillshare-teach-contest-writing-short-stories/
3) Consider submitting yourself or reading up on NBR interviews conducted by our fellow 抖阴社区 Ambassador and NBR Ambassador @wrightstory. Her interviews are meant to highlight and expose some of the best writers and reviewers who have been associated with NBR. Her connection with folks from 抖阴社区 HQ makes her a great resource!
NBR round 33 will launch April 1st, 6pm central time!
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Comment Topic: Every chapter should strive to build character intrigue and reader investment. How invested do you feel in the characters? Why or why not?
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Author #1: Dark_Starlet
Book Title: The Ice Cream Monkey
Specified Chapter: Chapter: 2 -"You're like a cat lady, but with a monkey instead" (read up to the indicated note. <2800 words)
Summary Thus Far in Book: Katherine Perry was a college freshman-to-be who moved away two months ago for college, and she was expecting a roommate before the beginning of the semester. She worked in a part-time job on an ice cream truck that sold monkey shaped ice creams for a company called 'the ice cream monkey'. She kept a pet monkey called Brent, whom she got when she first got the job. On the last week of summer a costumer came and caused her a fight with her boss because her little monkey attacked him. After that she went home, expecting to find her new roommate -who was a guy and the son of her mother's friend, although she didn't know him yet- to arrive, when she finds that guy (the costumer from earlier) coming out of her bathroom. the first chapter ends with her screaming in shock.
Author's Note: First off I want to thank Dawn for organizing and being the leader of such a great community, NBR is something brilliant and it for sure has a lot of excellent writers and reviewers. I'm so proud to be a part of this.
Moving on to what I'd like to know about the chapter,
In this chapter we get to know more about the main characters, how real are the characters to you and do they seem relatable or interesting at all? Also since this is a humor story, How good is the sense of humor so far and is it enough, too little, or too much? Lastly What would you suggest to make the story more unique (aside from the events of the story)?
Thank you! :D
x.Tay
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG-13 (slight cursing)
Winning Comment: Hello! Congrats on the spotlight! Humor is not my usual genre but I hope I can be helpful all the same. :D
1. Characterization
Evan and Katy are certainly very quirky. You've got some distinctive details for each of them, such as Katy talking loudly on the phone and Evan's pet lemon tree. It sets up a living situation that promises to be full of conflict.
Evan seems a little immature. Taking your roommate's phone when you've known her less than a day is ballsy, to say the least. Grilling inside just to be spiteful is childish and dangerous. There are certainly people out there who are like that. I just want to make it clear that, in this draft, I am in no way rooting for Evan and Katy to get together. I don't know if that's the goal, but at this juncture, I would feel disappointed if Katy ended up falling for Evan.
Though I'm not sure how I feel about Katy. I know it can be hard to break up with someone who doesn't want to let go, but I don't have any compassion for her predicament. It doesn't make me like her much when she complains mentally about being a terrible girlfriend to a guy who she admits does wonderful things for her. It's the way she thinks about it that bugs me. Objectively, River seems quite manipulative, but based on her reaction to him she seems helpless and a little spineless at the moment.
All in all, I'd feel closer to the characters if you spent more time on sensory details, especially during their long exchanges of dialogue. But more on that later.
This is only kinda-sorta characterization, but speaking as someone with lots of roommate experience, it's really weird that one of them would make it a rule that they want to be the one to cook, let alone both of them. Usually the ground rules with roommates who don't know each other are something like buy, cook, and eat your own food unless we agree to some other arrangement ahead of time. And if one decides to cook for both, it usually involves the other helping with expenses and/or cleaning up after or... something to balance it out. (Plus, when they're arguing over the rules and 'I'll follow yours if you follow mine,' neither of them ever mention that their rules actually contradict in that area so they CAN'T follow both.)
2. Humor
Things I found funny:
* Son of a car. It reminded me of 'Son of Coul' -- Thor talking to Phil Coulson in the Marvel movies.
* The Katy Perry bit was fairly amusing.
* Evan's vendetta against the monkey has its moments.
* The timing of Katy thinking about Brent making a better girlfriend and then Evan commenting along the same lines.
* Outside the horror of a roommate doing something so immature and potentially dangerous, it was kind of funny that Evan decided to charcoal grill inside.
* Evan's lemon tree named Alfredo was probably the highlight for me.
I think you missed some opportunities with Evan being half-naked at the beginning and moving around to cover her mouth and try to get the monkey. I know I personally would have been daring that towel to fall down.
Overall, I think there's good potential for humor here, but some of the kinks need to be worked out first to make it really come out.
3. Unique Flair
The pet lemon tree is a very unique bit for this story. As for things you could do to help add in unique characteristics...
Right now, if this is to be a romance, I think you're overplaying the characters' flaws and underplaying their similarities and strengths. Evan comes off as immature, and Katy's relationship with her current boyfriend just doesn't feel right. I think that if you worked on balancing these things, you could really help improve the unique quality of the relationship you're building between them.
For instance, as I mentioned above, it's very unusual that they would both want to make it a rule that they cook. Drawing more attention to this as something they have in common could be powerful. It could also lead to some fun banter right then and later on when Evan's making poor cooking decisions to wake Katy up. Imagine an exchange... something like...
"Oh what, you want to be the cook? Gordon Ramsey is your spirit animal? I bet your idea of cooking is microwaving a hotdog and putting it on a bun."
"And what, you were planning on cooking me three course meals every night out of the goodness of your heart?"
"I just don't want you burning the kitchen down!"
"As if I'm the one at risk of burning the kitchen down. You've got a monkey following you around. I can just picture it. You turn your back for one second and that little flea bag dumps your fancy spaghetti sauce all over the floor."
"Brent would never!"
"Or worse, he picks a flea off and adds it to the sauce. A little extra seasoning. Next thing you know I'm eating Spaghetti Au Bug!"
Just an idea ^__^ And this is just the dialogue bit. I'm imagining Evan miming Brent picking fleas off and flicking them into an imaginary saucepan or Brent chattering angrily as if he understands or Katy nearly choking on her indignation.
4. Other Suggestions/Edits
I have some line edits and such below, but before I get into that, here are my overall thoughts on writing style.
You don't have a lot of sensory or setting detail in this story. There's very little about what the apartment actually looks like or what Evan and Katy are doing while they talk. You kind of go with the necessities, like when she's trying to get the phone back from Evan, but not the little details that really make a reader feel present in the scene. Adding in the way emotions make Katy feel or the little gestures people naturally make while they talk here and there can be really helpful.
Something else you could do to strengthen your writing style is to make it more efficient. You tend toward using adverbs or excess words to explain something relatively simple, like the monkey hugging Katy's top knot or the scene with the smoke in the kitchen. Usually, your best bet is to find one strong verb that gets your point across. Darted instead of moved quickly, for instance.
I also noticed that you didn't always follow dialogue conventions and that you had some trouble with semicolons.
Moving on to edits...
You have a lot of italics going on in here, especially at the beginning, and I get that it's for emphasis but it might help your writing look more polished to tone it down. In an ideal world, you shouldn't need the italics for emphasis because the context makes it clear... or at least I read that somewhere once, lol. I do sometimes give in and use italics myself, but I mostly try to avoid it. It's a personal choice :P
Dialogue conventions, though! Here are a couple examples that don't fit.
Paragraph 3 : I glared at him, "what the hell are you doing in my house?"
Should be a period after 'him' and a capital letter at the beginning of the dialogue, like so:
I glared at him. "What the hell are you doing in my house?"
Dialogue tags get commas, not just regular old action, at least by normal standards. Paragraphs 6-8 are another example:
"Don't you have a life, stalker?" He wondered, apparently freaked out by what I knew about him. "Now, get out before my roommate comes home," he snapped.
"No, no," I shook my head. "You need to get out of here, I lived here first. You can't just kick me out like that," I clarified.
"Oh God," his eyes widened in shock. "Do you mean that you're my roommate? The monkey girl?!" he said in disgust.
Should be:
"Don't you have a life, stalker?" he wondered, apparently freaked out by what I knew about him. "Now, get out before my roommate comes home," he snapped.
"No, no." I shook my head. "You need to get out of here, I lived here first. You can't just kick me out like that," I clarified.
"Oh God." His eyes widened in shock. "Do you mean that you're my roommate? The monkey girl?!" he said in disgust.
Although, I think it's a personal thing, but the use of two dialogue tags in paragraph 6 weirds me out. :P
Paragraph 10, 'suites' should be 'suits'
Paragraph 21 : "Shh, your monkey is sleeping," he smirked, still looking at my head where Brent was, probably hugging my top knot bun as he took a nap. He was about to raise his other hand and my eyes widened in realization. I quickly moved my head, dodging his hand as he tried to hit Brent.
You have some sentence structures that are a little awkward, and this is an example that could be tightened up. The wording is a little excessive. Also, this is more a personal thing, but I would expect her to rely more on blocking his swipe than ducking out of the way. For one thing, moving that quickly with an animal on your head doesn't seem wise. For another, his swipe can follow if you try to dodge, but if you block it, it's stopped. Here's a possible revision:
"Shh, your monkey is sleeping." He smirked, his stare still somewhere above mine, probably on Brent hugging my knotted bun. He started to raise his other hand and my eyes widened. I ducked my head a bit and raised my arm just in time to block him from swiping at Brent.
Paragraph 25, the dialogue is a little confusing the way it's phrased. She stalked him all the way from home? What does he mean by that, or is it just a typo?
Paragraph 32, Katy says "Don't call me that again," but it seems kind of out of the blue. He hasn't actually called her anything in a few paragraphs.
Paragraphs 33-34, it would be a good idea to mention earlier in the chapter that he's only in a towel. Presumably you mentioned it at the end of last chapter, but keep in mind that your readers might not go straight from one to the other. Even with a hard copy book, they might choose the end of a chapter as a stopping place. Carrying out a conversation with a guy in just a towel, especially one who's moving around and touching you, it's bound to come to mind that he's practically naked. Maybe even that one wrong move could make the towel drop.
Paragraph 34, you have two improper uses of a semicolon: '...wearing nothing but a towel; which was the...' and 'Not even River; my boyfriend.' In the first instance, 'which' is a conjunction, which calls for a comma beforehand, not a semicolon. If you had 'that's' instead of 'which,' the semicolon would be fine. For the second instance, it should really just be a comma.
Paragraphs 37-38, you go from 'thirty minutes after I left him' to Evan complaining that it's been three hours with no transition. You kind of give an after-the-fact transition in the next paragraph, but that order makes it confusing.
Paragraph 40, after the semicolon you're using 'while' as a conjunction; get rid of it and you'll have a grammatically correct sentence. I'm gonna stop picking on semicolons now. Just remember when you're editing that they connect independent clauses without a conjunction; in order to have a semicolon, you need two sentences that could stand alone. Well, for the most part. There are, of course, exceptions.
Paragraph 45 you have 'land rules' -- is it a quirk of Evan's character to use 'land' instead of 'ground' in this case? It's kind of weird.
Paragraph 53 you have 'in compare to' but I think you mean 'in comparison to' or 'compared to'
Paragraph 118, Katy suddenly notices Evan eating her Oreos -- suddenly is rarely necessary in writing. In this case, it feels off to me. You focus so little on what they're doing physically that the 'suddenly' actually makes me think 'Suddenly I actually know what they're doing in this scene.'
Paragraphs 133-134, she thinks 'Nothing' but then you have a strong smell of smoke; smoke is not nothing, so this seems like an internal contradiction. Also:
I ran to the kitchen quickly and I stopped in my tracks at the scene before me.The smoke was too much it made my eyes water and I started coughing. I could spot Evan standing near the source of smoke next to the stove.
The second sentence there is missing a semicolon, ironically. And this is a sequence of events you could make feel much more immediate by slightly altering the word choice. Like so:
I bolted to the kitchen but stopped in my tracks at the scene that met me. The smoke was too much; it made my eyes water and I started coughing. I blearily made out Evan standing near the stove and what looked like the source of the smoke.
Paragraph 144, why is a lemon tree on the couch creepy? Weird maybe, but creepy?
- fin -
Phew, sorry to chew your ear off! I apologize if there are any typos x_x -karriezai
Network with this Winner: karriezai
1st Runner Up: SwiftieGirl1010
2nd Runner Up: Consciousdreamer1
Final Author's Note: I want to thank everyone for their helpful comments, and for thoroughly reading the chapter and being honest with their opinions. You all helped me in more than one way to become a better writer overall, not only to edit my chapter and see what I'd like to change and what I couldn't convey correctly in my first draft. I have to admit that it was SO hard picking out the winner and the two runner-ups, everyone helped me in some way but I tried my best to order them according to which comment was the most helpful and actually showed me the flaws I needed to see as much as possible. I'm grateful for all the nice comments and the criticism, this experience is going to have such an impact on my writing for a long time. It was a wonderful week that I would remember for a long time. Thank you! :D
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Author #2: NotAUTHORized
Book Title: The Truth Over The Wall
Specified Chapter: Chapter 4
Summary Thus Far in Book: Chapter 1 provides background story on the four main characters. And Chapter 2 sees Prince Dominic Of Araaia hunt down a gremlin deployed by a witch to abduct children. Dominic succeeds in the rescue mission only to come back to camp to be told that his uncle - the King - has passed away making Dominic the Crown Prince. Chapter 3 begins with the funeral and the impending consequences of Dominic's new position...
Author's Note: Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!!!
*Takes a deep breath. And then takes several more*
I just want to thank Dawn for this incredible opportunity and I want to say - in advance - thank you to each and every single person on here. I especially want to thank IVM992 for bringing me into the fold :D Ivy, if people were metal, you'd be gold :)
Okay, before I get teared up the questions:
1: Blame me, but I love writing villain chapters. Up to now, we've only ever heard about Fiona. But this chapter gives you an insight into the twisted, evil mess that is Fiona. Is she a formidable villain?
2: Do you think that Fiona is a daunting challenge for the main lead?
3: Dominic is only mentioned in passing in this chapter but when he is, given what you know about Fiona, are you scared for him?
Okay, thank you :)
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Congratulations on your spotlight week! And thank you for sharing your story with us. This is exactly the type of story I enjoy, so it was fun for me to read. I thought it was very well done and can't wait to read the rest!
Some notes I made while I was reading:
The opening sentences were really confusing. I think you're trying to say that, The fact of the matter is that, alone, a witch cannot be immortal. But maybe you're saying that they could be immortal but their inborn solitary nature prevents it? Or, looking at the next line, they are more fragile than humans? Because the phrase they CAN leads me to believe they often do not.
See what I'm saying? You need to clarify that a bit. I felt like the chapter started with "The point is." If that's the point, that's where you should start.
I'd cut "Then why is she still alive? How?" It's not necessary and it pulled me out of your story. It's already implied that the narrator is thinking that. Go straight from "Leopold and his family." to "Contrary to what people have believed:"
"New born" should be one word.
Does it mean something, if I read the rest of the book, that "it was the AvonDem mansion?" If not, I'd cut that interruption. It's distracting.
The paragraph that starts, "On that chair now perched..." is a little awkward. The interruptions are distracting. Can you say the same thing without breaking the sentence? "At one time, perhaps it had been a crow. It's entirely possible since we're dealing with magic. But whatever it had once been, it had since grown into something much more." That's a little sloppy. I think you could do better. But do you see what I mean? It's just a little less chopped up.
I like the description in the next chapter, except for the first sentence. This is a lame editorial comment, I know. I'm sorry. But I can't give you a good reason why. Grammatically, there's nothing wrong with "It certainly looked very much like a magnified crow." I just don't like it. Maybe it's the word "magnified." I like the narrator's voice and don't think you should lose it, but... maybe... "Whatever it had once ben, it had since grown into something much more: A dazzling white creature with an elaborate...." and then continue on with your lovely description.
"Sharp as glass beak" should be " a beak as sharp as glass." If you're married to having it the first way, add dashes "sharp-as-glass beak."
Tighten up the sentence that starts "And despite having..." Try something like, "Despite being padded with feathers and fluff, the bird gave the impression of being rather bony and thin."
"Maybe this fact was telling." --telling of what? Is she sucking its life away too? Is her power all fluff and no substance? Is there a big dark meaning to this? I came right out of the story to think about this, which is never what you want. If it's not an important foreshadowing or something I'd cut it.
"Company," it seemed to say. (Add the quotes or change it to italics)
Wait... you came back to "it was telling." And it just got even more confusing.
I read some advice once that said something like, "It's great to make a reader ask question and wonder what's going to happen but it's unacceptable to confuse them." This just feels too vague. Like... the bird is skinny so someone would notice and read... what?... into that... and so she'd kill... who? Everyone?
"'Enter,' Fiona said enigmatically..." What's enigmatic about that? It's a normal and very clear thing to say. Enigmatic is a fabulous word but Adverbs are very rarely a great choice. Are you trying to say that her voice sounded enigmatic? Or the fact that she knew they were coming was enigmatic? Clarify that. It's a great scene! Maybe you could expand a bit... show us a glimpse of the five nervous witches approaching, her greeting them out of the blue, and then their awe. I love what you have going here. Give me all the details!
Don't slip into passive voice in the next paragraph. "What happened?" She asked, feigning calm. Something gray and quiet fluttered into the room behind the witches. Fiona paid it no mind. She knew what it was. Or rather, who."
Is it one of the souls (or years or... whatever dark magic is going on)? Who is the "they" making the sacrifice?" The witches? The villagers?
If she's that worried about three dead witches, killing one seems like a poor choice!
"under Fiona's instruction." I totally get what you're saying here but I'm not sure that "instruction" is the right word. Under her scrutiny maybe? She's not teaching them, so it's not instruction.
"And then eventually leading them to their deaths. At least it had been until they'd found her dead a week later." This was a little awkward. Maybe something like: "Even better, she eventually lead them to their deaths. Unfortunately, they found her dead a week later."
"Stella was gone. This was merely a vessel for less tangible powers to express themselves." -Cool! What a clever idea... a witch who was taken over by her powers. I hope we get to see this made manifest in other parts of the book. It's very clever and original.
"And this was war." Change it to "this IS war" and make it italics - a thought she's having. Cut the second "And" in that paragraph. Too repetitive.
Speaking of repetitive, you say "little witch" seven or eight times in a row. Mix it up a bit unless that's actually her name.
He's a PRINCE? Whoa.
Your narration style reminds me a little of Lemony Snicket's 3rd person omniscient POV. It's hard to do. Like... nearly impossible for us mere mortals who love 1st person's familiarity. You do it well. I'm impressed!
As for the questions:
How invested do you feel in the characters? Why or why not?
Actually, I'm surprised to find myself saying this because he's not even in this chapter, but I found myself very vested in Dominic. You gave me JUST enough to light a serious spark of interest. He's already stood up to this powerful army of witches and not only survived, but cost them. And he's getting better at it. And he's a prince. I want him to survive! I want him to fall in love with the little witch and redeem them all! Or get sucked in and turn dark and have to be redeemed. Or... arch! I want to know more!
Is Fiona a formidable villain?
Yes! The children! Only the most scandalous of villains would hurt the babies! I think this is a wonderfully terrible idea. Give some gruesome detail about when they return the children. Are they old before their time? Do they die younger than they would have? Have they lost some essential spark? Why don't they always return them? Do they get carried away sometimes? Are some of them too full of life for her to relinquish the chance of having all that essence to herself?
Ha! Good wood smell makes her want to burn down the forest. Love it!
Do you think that Fiona is a daunting challenge for the main lead?
See above.
Great work!!!
Network with this Winner: eacomiskey
1st Runner Up: AhsokaJackson
2nd Runner Up: ariel_paiement1
Final Author's Note: I would just like to thank every one again because the level of dedication that yo guys put into each comment just made me tear up :..)
I mean obviously, some made me laugh out loud. Others made cry into a pillow and the some others made me think made I ought to get out of writing while I can...
But when I stood back and went over them a second time I accepted them for what they were: hard work. All of you put a lot of hard work and advice into each comment and I can't tell you how grateful I am. I would also like to thank DawnStarling, author, moderator, Fairy Godmother and just all around nicey-nice wish maker come truer...
Is that a real word? Anyway, thanks! :)
Oh and a shout out to IVM992 and karamichellebooks Ladies, you rock on a whole other level!!!!
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Author #3: consciousdreamer1
Book Title: Mission Rider
Specified Chapter: Chapter 1 - Punches and Babies
Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A
Author's Note: Hi everyone! Special shoutout to Dawn for spotlighting my work. I'm super excited and can't wait to get feedback. Here are my questions:
1) How well do I describe everything? (It's usually my weak spot). Do let me know which descriptions need tweaking.
2) What do you think of Aeryn?
3) What can I do to evoke more emotions?
**feel free to rip apart this chapter. It needs to go through several edits
Genre: Teen Fiction
Rating: PG
Winning Comment: Hey, girl!
So excited to see you get your work spotlighted. As you know, I've read your work before and liked it then. (Still do.) I liked it so much, I have taken extra time this week to think up some ways to potentially make your work shine to the best it possibly can. I hope you find my suggestions helpful. I write them from an honest place of trying to make your work even better than it already is. So let suggestions begin...
Dialogue Tags.
It looks like you have an opportunity to add some description and insight into your characters through the way they say things. When I read your chapter, I felt like there were many "she said" tags. (So many I went back and had a peek at how many 16 SAID to 5 OTHER ways to says SAID.) Thought you might appreciate a reference list I use that lists two hundred other ways to say "said": (see link in round)
Using some of these will help the reader figure out the character's personality and hook us into figuring them out.
PART2) fixing a typo...sorry for the repost on this section!
Description.
It's no secret I love description in books, and I have to mention you have a great start in this chapter too. There are places; however, where you can just add a word or two that make the scene come alive.
You might appreciate, Bryn Donovan's book: Master Lists for 抖阴社区rs. There is a chapter dedicated with 500 Great Words for Action Scenes in it. Here's an example of what I mean. Your sentence, " ...girls punched the crimson punching bag..." the word punch could be changed up. (Here are a few words from Bryn's list that might work: beat/battered/attacked/assaulted.)
The sentence where you describe her hair as "dark brown," could be more descriptive without adding any words. Using Bryn's list from the chapter on Physical Description, these words may work: (toffee brown, tawny brown, nut brown, caramel, chocolate, coffee, ash).
In your first paragraph, you mention sweat and wet in the same sentence. (Sweat is wet, so my tweak would be to change wet out.) Maybe something like: "Sweat dripped down both their face, making their hair stick to their foreheads."
Onomatopeia sound effects would be fantastic in your work, given this is a gym and it would be full of them. (Especially with all the punching on the bag.) Here's an online reference tool you may find useful: (see link in round)
Just a thought for a possible rewriting of your opening paragraph using a few of the things already suggested above:
"Thwack! Thud-thud-thump." Sweat dripped down both their faces. Their bangs stuck to their foreheads while they assaulted the crimson punching bags in front of them. Drum beats and hip-hop vocals vibrated through the wooden floorboards, with the rhythmic sounds of their fists hitting the bag echoing through the empty gym.
(Here we have the feeling of sound, see the sweat and how they look, and get a tiny description of they gym's wooden floor and it's empty feel. This leaves the reader with a few questions: Why are they the only ones? How long have they been there if they are already sweating? The sounds indicate they are practiced at this, not rookies.)
Your second paragraph feels like your telling the reader vs. showing. Here I suggest moving this info and subtly add it in other places. Some could be added, in the third (blonde hair and panting) and fifth paragraphs (Aeryn hair color, ponytail). You could indirectly indicate Jules height, by having Aeryn needing to look up to meet her eyes in one of the dialogue tags as an option too.
Here are some of those details added to the third paragraph:
"Okay, I'm done for tonight," Jules gasped, her voice hoarse and out of breath. She tossed her gloves on the floor, then drank back loud gulps of water from the bottle she was holding. Her blonde bangs were in her eyes, and she was attempting to wipe them away with the back of her hand.
There's also some opportunity to add in some of the sounds found in a hospital. (They seem ever present when you're there. My daughter is in the hospital all the time, to me, it the sounds that haunt me.) The beeps of the heart monitor, an alarm going on an IV, the wheels of the carts the nurse pushes, the whoosh of the doors, the cries of a patient, the screams of a child getting needles... In the NICU, all of these are present.
Possibly add some description on Tommy. You could mention how Tommy looks so much like her sister with his (mop of toffee-colored hair and big blue eyes). Or something like that, you get what I mean.
Character Development.
Aeryn is a great character, withdrawn, but caring. You might like The Negative Trait Thesaurus: A 抖阴社区r's Guide to Character Flaws by Angela Ackerman & Becca Puglisi (They also wrote: The Emotion Thesaurus...one of my fav's, worth buying.) They've written an entire section on writing withdrawn character. It's their comments on associated thoughts that I thought you'd find useful for this chapter.
To build some more connection to Aeryn, you could let us inside her head. She's not going to come out and tell her friend what' up, but she's likely thinking through things as she hits that bag over and over. You could run some inner dialogue and interruptive thoughts she's having.
Possibly something like this?
Jab, jab, cross, uppercut. God, he has to survive. If he... Focus Aeryn focus. It's just you and the bag. Jab, cross. Ugh, I don't think I could take another heart... Need to pay attention, it's just me, breathe, the bag, jab, nothing else, just numb it out.
The World of Boxing, Kickboxing & MMA.
I loved your tweak on the hair-dos from my last visit to your chapter. Way more realistic. And I have to say for someone who doesn't box, your take on it is pretty good.
(Now, to dive into some more of my kickboxing and MMA background, as I know you told me, this wasn't your area of expertise. Some of this you may know or not. Please choose what you find helpful.)
Jules will need to take her gloves off before drinking the water. (or, at least, one of her gloves.) Those gloves are impossible to pick anything up with, let alone pull a top of a water bottle open.
The white bands are called "wraps." (They do come in other colors.) They are used to protect you knuckles and offer some wrist support when punching. They are crazy long, and you'd need to roll them up, or they would be completely tangled and a huge pain in the butt to use the next time you'd use them. No one would ever unravel them off their hands without rolling them up. Fighters usually talk to their partner while they roll them up.
I chuckled at the mention of the watch. She would have to grab this from her bag. She wouldn't be wearing a watch under her gloves and wraps. I've never been to a gym that didn't have a clock on the wall. No one wears jewelry in the gym, causes injuries to the wearer and more likely the person they would be sparring with.
Possibly name some punching combination in the chapter...I've listed a few suggestions already for you.
The reference to her "punching for three hours straight." To me, this is a nearly impossible feat... Professional boxing bouts are 3-minute rounds, with a minute break between rounds (for maximum 12 rounds- that would be 48 minutes, with breaks.) MMA fights are 5-minute rounds with a max of 5 round (these are the pros too.) Amateurs rounds are shorter in length. 3 hours is a long, long time. Her arms would feel like jello after 45 minutes straight.
A tweak to this piece of dialogue, "Aren't you tired? We've been hanging out and punching the bag on and off for nearly three hours."
Whew...sorry for the crazy long commentary! LOVE your work, and I, of course, plan on continuing reading.
Oh...Moderator topic.
I would have to say at this point in the book I'm intrigued by your characters. I like that Jules can sense there's something up with her friend, and will ask more than once to try and get her to open up. I think with a little internal dialogue in Aeryn's thoughts that would win me over in this chapter. With her reluctance to say anything, it's only through her actions we learn anything about her. Might not be enough yet...but with a tiny tweak I think you'll completely win readers to her side.
Network with this Winner: the3dreamers
1st Runner Up: eacomiskey
2nd Runner Up: karriezai
Final Author's Note: Phew, what a great week full of wonderful feedback! I never thought I'd get spotlighted so quickly, so a very big thank you to Dawn and everyone else who makes NBR possible. I haven't even been part of NBR for that long and I already feel like I'm part of a huge close-knit community. Not only do these rounds help expose me to new authors but critiquing others' works makes me think of my own work in different ways and how to improve it. So Dawn, thank you so much for creating this! And now, I would just like to thank everyone for their feedback and for Amber for introducing me to NBR. When it came down to choosing the winning comment, I was stuck between eacomiskey and the3dreamers because both were extremely helpful, but ultimately I chose Amber because she has the background knowledge that I needed to make this chapter realistic. Speaking of that, there are quite a few of you martial artists out there (which is so cool). I would also like to give a shoutout to AhsokaJackson and writervid. Your comments were also wonderful. Pat yourself on the back :)
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