Catalyst (probably not going to update anymore, don't watch the show anymore)

I want to go back. I want to go back to when I felt safe and blissful. There was no pain on the inside, I couldn't feel anything.

I need to go back.

Cold metal gripped my wrists and ankles. All around me was silence. My knuckles hurt, my left arm hurt, my thigh hurt, and worst of all, my soul hurt.

Please, please let me take the pain away again. I need it, oh god, I need it now.

A cannula delivered oxygen to my body in my nose, and subtle beeping next to my head let me know my heart was still going. My muscles were sore and I felt so dizzy I might have thrown up if I was even able to lift my head off of the pillow.

Where was Barry?

Where was everybody?

Surely the team would be making noise through the day. Did they put everything on pause just because of me? No, I'm not that important.

My chest began to feel heavy with sadness and anxiety knowing that I would be confronted about my attempted suicide. I don't want to talk about it. I just want people to leave me alone.

What do I even say? I felt so guilty for ruining everything that I thought killing myself was the only way to repay all of you?

That would just make everything worse.

Should I lie? No, that would make it worse. It seems like anything I did would drive all of us down the vortex of doom. Why is the world against me?

Let me go back to sleep, please.

I felt the thin bedsheet cover only half of my body and the sticky electrodes on my chest. Shit, I'm waking up. I don't want to wake up. Not now or ever again.

The lights were dimmed in the infirmary, and my mouth was dry from being dehydrated. My head was warm from the beanie that had been placed on it, but the rest of my body was cold. Freezing cold to be exact.

There wasn't just one sheet placed over me, there were multiple; the last one thicker and warmer than the last. I was still cold. My teeth chattered uncontrollably, and I felt a gentle hand holding mine from under the mountain of blankets.

The hand was so hot compared to my freezing body.

Softly, my eyes opened to see the dimly lit room. Next to me, Barry was softly snoring while his head rested on the mound of blankets covering my freezing body.

I squeezed his hand under the blankets, wanting to feel his comfort, but none of the pain. Even when Barry was sleeping, I could see the pain on his face; the pain that I inflicted on him. I wanted to disappear from this world.

Tears dripped from my eyes, rolling off the sides of my face, and onto the white bedsheet. Don't look at me that way, Bar. Stop trying to save me when I don't want to be saved.

I don't want to be in this world anymore. Let me be punished in the afterlife.

I yanked my hand up to wipe my eyes, but it was stuck. Metal clanked against the bars on the side of the bed, and a cuff tightly held my wrist down.

Barry's eyes opened suddenly, reacting to the loud clank. He sat up in the white chair, rubbing his face tiredly, and I stared at him with tears dripping down my face, waiting for him to notice me. Please, please just walk away.