Catalyst (probably not going to update anymore, don't watch the show anymore)

I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it.

My head was tucked in between my knees as I took deep breaths, trying to not give into the looming V-10. I can't keep doing this to myself. V-10 is making me into a person that I don't want to be.

It's making me cold, distant, mean, unforgiving, and violent. I'm not like that, I'm not like that at all. What's it doing to my brain?

I'm ruining everything.

It felt like there were bugs crawling under my skin, and every time their legs moved, I could feel it throughout my entire body. I felt so cold, and the jean jacket I had put on earlier wasn't helping at all—the cold was deep inside my core, and nothing was making it go away.

It hurts, it hurts so fucking bad. Make it stop!

My fingernails dug into my legs, trying to distract me from all that was going on inside of me. I don't know what was worse: my mental state or the withdrawal symptoms.

The door to my lab closed, and my head popped up from my knees to see who is was—Barry. No, not the Barry that I knew, this was the new Barry who ruined us.

"Hey," he smiled, walking over to the front of my desk that I sat in front of. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know anymore," I sighed, replying melancholy.

Barry sat down next to me, against the desk, with his long legs outstretched. I rested my chin on my knees, and stared at the opposing wall in silence.

"Can you tell me what happened in our lives?" he asked, looking down at the engagement ring he held in his hand.

I replied, monotonously, "It's probably the same."

"No," Barry awkwardly chuckled, "out of everyone, I think you changed the most."

"Lovely," I huffed.

Barry gazed at me, trying to make me look back at him. "I'm sorry, Finn," Barry whispered.

"For what?" I snapped

"I don't know," he sighed, leaning his head back against the metal desk. "I'm just sorry."

There was a long and painful silence.

Then, I cracked. "I haven't slept in days," I explained, feeling like I was confessing my sins to Barry, "I haven't eaten, all I've been drinking is liquor. I just want to open my eyes and find out that this was just a nightmare . . .," I wiped away a tear that was dripping down my face. I continued, my voice breaking, "I can't take this anymore, but I can't end it. I just want the pain to stop."

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, and Barry placed his hand on my back to comfort me. "Don't say that," Barry shook his head, "please. It scares the hell out of me that you have those thoughts."

"Everything good that happens to me," I cried, "it always gets ruined. I get my job here, and I got kidnapped. I get rescued, and then I get shot. Thawne dies and I'm free, and I'm tormented by him. I survive being shot, and I get PTSD. I get engaged, and then I kill you. I get pregnant, and it dies and I can't have kids. I try to end my pain, and I just get really violent and nothing happens."

Barry pulled me close to his side, and I rested my head on his shoulder. "You're still here though," he explained, rubbing my side, "you went through all that pain and suffering, and you're still here."

"I don't want to be here," I said softly.

"That's not true," he whispered. "If you were dead, you wouldn't get to eat any more of your mom's deserts, you wouldn't get to see your niece and nephew, you wouldn't get to lay in our big, comfy bed anymore, you wouldn't get anymore Cost City pizza, you wouldn't get to watch anymore movies, you wouldn't get anymore midnight-tickle-surprises, you wouldn't get to expand Star-Labs, and you wouldn't get anymore hugs. Do you really want to miss out on that?"

I sighed, "I don't know."

Barry glared, "You don't; I know you, Finn. Think about how your family would react as the watched your casket be lowered into the ground. They would be crying, they would be in so much pain. Do you want to hurt them like the world hurt you?"

"No," I whispered, burying my face into Barry's shoulder.

"I don't know how many times I've said this to you," he said softly, "but I love you, and I'm going to do everything I can to make you happy." Barry placed my ring back into my hands, and I slid it back on.

He was about to get up, but I grabbed his arm tightly, and whispered, defenselessly, "Don't leave."

"I have to," Barry sighed, standing up from the ground. "I need to look at Julian's report on Clariss."

I rubbed my face as I stood up, and sat down in my desk chair, "Okay, but just be nice to him."

"I am, he's the prickly one," Barry rolled his eyes.

"I know," I huffed, "but he's a really good person once you crack his shell. Just try to be nice, for me?"

Barry sighed, "Fine." Then, he ran off to the CCPD, leaving me feeling a little bit better.

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Ughhhhhhhh, I want a new Dil Howlter video. I need to see whatever the hell is going to come out of Dil.