Nasa harap ako ng desk ko, mata ko nakakapit sa laptop habang abala sa research paper na dapat tapusin. Pero kahit na anong pilit ko magfocus, parang may humihila sa utak ko papunta kay Rhyler. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong nangyari, pero parang lagi na lang akong nauurong sa oras. Para bang ang bilis ng lahat. Nasa gitna ako ng schoolwork, club activities, at kung anu-ano pa, tapos niyaya ko pa ang sarili ko na maglaan ng oras para kay Rhyler, pero mahirap. Lately, parang nawawala na siya sa araw-araw ko. Yung mga text, hindi ko na makita. Yung mga plans, nawawala. Hindi na tulad ng dati na kahit sandali, pwede kami magkausap.
Ilang beses ko na binuksan ang phone ko, iniisip ko baka may message siya. Pero wala. Wala ni isang reply o update mula kay Rhyler. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na parang hindi ko siya kayang kontakin, lalo na ngayon na pareho kaming sobrang busy.
"Siguro may ginagawa lang siya," I kept telling myself, pero sa totoo lang, parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Saka, hindi ko alam kung tama ba na ganito lang lagi. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang maghintay at maging okay sa sitwasyong ito.
Napatingin ako sa clock sa desk ko. Tinutok ko ang mata ko doon, hoping na baka pag may time na, magiging okay na ang lahat. “Pag lunch break siguro, magkausap kami,” I muttered, pero deep down, hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang maghintay ng mga ilang oras para lang magkausap kami.
Hindi ko na napansin na may dumaan palang tao sa tabi ko. Si Atasha. Naramdaman ko ang presensya niya. Nilingon ko siya at nakita ko siya na nakatayo sa tabi ko, may hindi maipaliwanag na expression sa mukha.
"Tahimik ka ngayon," sabi niya, nag-aalalang tumingin sa akin. "Wala bang usapan sa pagitan mo at ni Rhyler? Tapos, si Atasha pa, hindi na kita nakita na masaya tulad ng dati." Teka, paano ko ba sasabihin sa kanya na hindi ko na rin maintindihan kung anong nangyayari sa amin?
"Sige lang," Atasha continued, hindi nagtagal. "Kayo pa ba talaga? Tiyak masyadong busy." I smiled awkwardly at her, pero hindi ko na kaya pang itago kung anong nararamdaman ko. Wala na akong maisagot sa mga tanong niya.
"Okay lang, Atasha," sabi ko, kahit hindi ako sigurado sa sagot ko. "Basta, okay kami. Siguro… busy lang siya." But the words didn’t seem to comfort me.
Tinutok ko ang mata ko sa phone ko, hoping na magka-message kami ni Rhyler. Parang gusto ko siyang kausapin. Pero anong nangyayari sa atin? Bakit ganito na lang?
Naramdaman ko si Atasha na tinitingnan lang ako. “Don’t worry, Eli," she said, smiling softly. "Ganyan talaga. Basta don’t overthink things.” Nagtaka ako sa sinabi niyang yun, pero parang na-feel ko na lang din na tama siya. Hindi ko naman pwedeng kontrolin ang lahat. Pero minsan, mahirap din magtiwala na maghahanap siya ng oras para sa akin.
And just like that, she was gone, leaving me alone with my thoughts again. Nasa harap na naman ako ng phone ko, ngunit wala pa ring message. Kung ganito na lang kaya ang magiging routine ko? Kung busy na lang ba kami, wala na ba kaming oras para mag-usap? Parang hindi ko kaya.
I took a deep breath and muttered, "Please, Rhyler. Sana makita ko ang time para sa atin."
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Ang tagal ng lunch break, pero parang hindi ko na kaya maghintay pa. Tinutok ko na naman ang mata ko sa phone ko, hoping na mag-reply siya. Wala pa rin. Si Rhyler, hindi ko na rin alam kung ano nangyayari. Lately, kahit magkausap kami, palaging may gap. I don't know if it's just me overthinking, pero parang may nararamdaman akong distansya. Hindi ko na kayang pigilin ang thoughts ko. Parang lagi na lang ako naghihintay.
Wala. Wala pa ring message.
Ang mga text ko na pinadala ko sa kanya kanina, walang sagot. May mga times na ina-assume ko na siguro, busy lang siya. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like I was just making excuses for him. Kung may oras siya para sa ibang bagay, sana may oras din siya para sa akin, diba? Hindi ko na tuloy maintindihan kung anong nangyayari.
Habang nagbabayad ako ng lunch ko, hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang mga tanong. "Bakit kaya hindi siya nagreply?" “Kung may time siya kay Atasha, bakit hindi kami makapag-usap?" Lahat ng ito, naglalaro sa utak ko. Minsan, natatakot ako na baka masyado akong umaasa.
Bigla, naramdaman ko na lang ang vibration ng phone ko sa bag ko. Lumingon ako agad, hoping na siya na nga yun. Finally. Pagbukas ko ng message, si Rhyler! Ang saya ko pero hindi ko na maitatago ang konting tampo sa dibdib ko.
Rhyler: “Sorry, love. May pinagawa si Mom. Text na lang kita mamaya."
Gusto ko nang mag-reply agad, pero hindi ko pa alam kung anong sasabihin ko. I mean, hindi naman sa hindi ko naiintindihan. I know that family comes first. But I just wished he could've given me a heads up earlier. Parang lagi na lang akong nasususpense, palaging nakatambay, naghihintay ng sagot, habang siya... busy sa mga ibang bagay.
Tumingin ako sa paligid ko, and as if on cue, nakita ko si Atasha. Tinutok ko ang mata ko sa kanya, trying to look normal, kahit na medyo parang naiinis pa ako. She must’ve sensed something was off because she walked over and asked, "Wala ba kayong planong magkausap kanina?"
"May pinagawa kay Rhyler sa family niya," sabi ko, trying to sound as casual as I could, but I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice. "Nag-text na lang siya, sinabi na mamaya na lang kami magkausap."
"Ay, okay lang 'yan," sabi ni Atasha, as if she had expected that response. "Tapos ikaw, what are your plans after school?"
"Hmm, may assignment pa akong tapusin," sagot ko, trying to sound busy, para lang hindi na magtuloy ang usapan.
Pero deep inside, parang may konting frustration pa rin. Bakit hindi ko siya matanggap? Bakit parang laging kulang yung mga conversations namin ngayon?
Bakit kaya?
I know it's not like he's intentionally avoiding me. Pero... I just can't help but feel na may nangyaring shift sa relasyon namin. Hindi ko alam kung ano. Tapos, ako pa, para bang lagi na lang akong naghihintay.
Napaisip ako kung paano namin na-achieve yung balance before. Na parang kahit anong abala, kayang isingit yung konting moments para lang magkausap. Pero ngayon, tila parang ang hirap na.
Atasha seemed to sense that I was caught up in my thoughts, so she didn’t press further. Instead, she smiled and patted my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Eli. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na perfect lagi. I’m sure it’s just a phase.”
"Yeah, maybe," I said, not convinced but trying to believe it anyway.
Bago pa siya makapagsalita, sumignal na ang bell. Lahat ng mga tao nagtakbuhan papunta sa kani-kanilang mga classes. I glanced at my phone one last time, hoping to catch a reply. But wala. I couldn't help but feel disappointed again.
"Okay lang," I whispered to myself. "I just need to keep calm."
I didn’t expect much, but I guess... it's just frustrating how things can change, no matter how much you try to make it work.
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After class, hindi ko parin maiwasang mag-isip. Parang may biglaang nangyaring shift sa amin ni Rhyler. I’ve been trying to shake it off, pero every time I think about it, parang may kulang. Hindi ko na nga siya masyadong tinext kanina, baka nga siya rin hindi nag-reply agad dahil baka super busy siya.
Pero bakit ganun? Parang may something na hindi ko maintindihan.
Habang papunta ako sa gate, nakita ko si Rhyler. As usual, siya yung naghihintay sa akin sa entrance. But as I approached him, there was this weird tension. Hindi ko naman kasi siya gustong i-avoid, pero feeling ko lang... parang may difference.
"Hey," I greeted, trying to make it sound casual. Pero deep inside, hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa'kin.
"Hey," he answered, giving me that usual calm smile, pero parang may pagka-distant. I could tell right away na may something.
I walked a little bit ahead of him, trying to act like everything was fine. Pero he followed me, and then finally, he asked, "Love, what’s wrong?" His voice was soft, and I couldn’t tell if it was concern or just his usual calm tone, but it made me stop in my tracks.
"Nothing," I replied quickly, forcing a smile. "Pagod lang siguro."
But even as I said it, I knew he wasn’t buying it. Gusto ko sanang magpaliwanag, pero... paano ko sasabihin na parang may nangyaring shift sa amin and I didn’t know how to deal with it?
"Love, talk to me," he said, gently turning me around to face him. His eyes were serious now, and I felt a wave of guilt. Kailan ko pa siya iniwasan?
I hesitated, unsure how to explain what I was feeling without sounding immature. I bit my lip and sighed. "I just... feel like we’ve been drifting apart, Rhyler. Lately, parang... I don’t know. I feel like I’m the one doing all the effort and... I’m the only one who's putting in time."
"Wait, what?!" His face instantly turned concerned. "Are you saying I’m not putting in effort?" His voice was sharp, but it was more of a surprised reaction than anger.
I looked away, feeling the frustration build up in me. "It’s not that," I said softly, my voice almost breaking. "It’s just... it feels like I’m here and you’re somewhere else. Hindi mo naman ako kailangan i-ignore, diba?"
He stood still for a moment, trying to process what I was saying. He took a deep breath, before moving closer to me. "Love, I’m really sorry if I made you feel that way." He sighed, looking down for a second. "It’s just... everything’s been so overwhelming lately with school and other stuff, I didn’t realize that I was making you feel left out."
I swallowed hard, still feeling a little upset but trying to understand him. "I get that you’re busy, Rhyler, I really do," I said quietly. "But I just need to feel like you’re really here too, not just physically but emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one trying, and it just... sucks."
Rhyler’s expression softened, and he gently placed his hand on my cheek. "I’m sorry, love. I never wanted to make you feel like that. If I’ve been distant, I truly didn’t mean to. You mean so much to me." He paused and then added, "I’ll try harder, love. I’ll make sure you feel important, because you are. I promise."
I closed my eyes for a second, feeling the weight on my chest ease just a little. When I opened them, I looked at him, still feeling a mix of relief and frustration. "But please, next time, just tell me kung may nangyayari sa’yo. I don’t want to keep guessing."
"Okay," he said softly. "I’ll tell you next time."
He reached for my hand and squeezed it gently. "I’m here, love. You’re not alone in this."
I nodded slowly, feeling my heart calm down a little. Maybe I just needed to talk to him about it. We always find a way to work things out.
He smiled, the kind of smile that melted me. "Let’s not let small things come between us, okay?"
"Okay." I smiled back, finally feeling like things were going back to normal. I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, my hand still holding his tightly.
"Love you," I whispered, feeling a warmth spread through me.
"I love you more," he replied, kissing my forehead.
And for the first time today, I finally felt like everything would be okay.